Sunday, January 27, 2008

What is Coaching?

I am following classes of the first two modules as they fit into my schedule, in any odd order and I only yesterday listened to the first session -- Introduction to Coaching, with a great leader from Holland with a deep, firm and resonating voice. His passion for coaching rang through in every word. We heard his story of how he came to this field and he told us his understanding of what it means to coach others. Here are few of his gems:

"A great coach suspends judgement, is focused on the future and is all about action -- the coachee taking action and moving forward in change."

"It starts with your heart and soul."

"People come to you because they are stuck and cannot move forward. We teach them how to change. We do not give advice, they know the path that is right for them. We ask questions that help them clarify their own values and we form honest and sincere relationships. We show genuine, disinterested interest that allows them the space to become aware and change perspectives."

What to look for in a client? Eagerness for a positive change in their life and wanting help to get there. Coachee has to be committed to change.

Coaches give straightforward and clear feedback in order for you to take action, take responsibility and control of your life.

Coaching is not: Therapy, consulting, mentoring, friendship.

For the record, here is the International Coaching Federation definition of coaching:

"Professional coaches provide an ongoing partnership designed to help clients produce fulfilling results in their personal and professional lives. Coaches help people improve their performances and enhnce the quality of their lives.
Coaches are trained to listen, to observe and to customize their approach to individual client needs. They seek to elicit solutions and strategies from the client; they believe the client is naturally creative and resourceful. The coach's job is to provide support to enhance the skills, resources, and creativity that the client already has."

Cross-cultural considerations?
Obviously coaching is strong in the US, Canada, UK, Australia, New Zealand -- all cultures that are strongly individualistic, future oriented, linear time oriented and place more value on an inner locus of control. The methodology and underlying concepts are all in line with values that are strongly present in these cultures -- onward we go, as individuals, under our own will, from the present to the future. Oddly coaching is also well-developed in Japan and Singapore. My peer coach is British living in Singapore I'll have to ask him.

In any case, I am curious how the clear, direct feedback works in a culture where indirect communication is the norm. How trust can be established in a culture where people do not acknowledge those outside their in-group. Can the coach/coachee relationship be as effective in other cultural orientations that swing towards flexible time, an outer locus of control, an emphasis on the importance of the past to understand the present and see the individual in his context of the group.
Hmmmm. food for thought and the basis of "coaching across cultures".

What is coaching for me?
Another way to put myself at the service of my vision of "a world in which people have a deep understanding of, and respect for, the power of culture – where they are humbled by, and marvel at, the wonder of cross-cultural differences." Coaching will allow me to work at a deep level with individuals who are committed to really understanding something of another culture and their own while living an experience abroad. People who are willing to allow a shift in perspective that will open them to a world of cross-cultural understanding. I am beginning to think that instead of adding coaching to training and consulting, I may turn around my overall approach and add training and consulting to intercultural and expat coaching. Hmmmm. I need to work with a coach on this one....before I get my website up and going. I am beginning to see the enormous potential of coaching in the field of cross-cultural skill development -- much more powerful than training because at the end of the day, cross-cultural skills involve shifts of perspectives.

a domani,
E

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Embracing silence

More on Power Listening, about embracing silence. Not an easy task. Silences lead people to dig deeper. Silence has value. Silence means that you are able to let go of having to give comments and forming opinions or judgements. It takes confidence as a coach to be able to let silences happen.

Coaching is always about the coachee, facilitating a process by paraphrasing and inviting to dig deeper, in the space of a silence. Silence is the absence of judgement, it is leaving the coachee in the drivers seat. They have to be sure that they want to move forward, that they are convinced of their path, that they believe in their direction. Being silent together, you support this process.

People start by talking about their problems, but they need to go deeper until they find the real issue behind the problems, silence facilitates this digging.

In such a vocal, verbal culture as the Italian one, silences are few and far between when two or more people occupy a space. More often everyone talks at once, or overlaps large sections of verbal exchanges. How would an Italian react to a coaching session laced with pauses of silence? Differently, I suppose, than a Scandinavian (or someone from Maine).

a domani,
E

Monday, January 14, 2008

Doubt / Trust

Today I listened to a teleclass on Doubt / Trust. I listened because I was having trouble with my headset microphone and although I could hear just fine, no one could hear me. Good thing too, because I tend to always have something to say, a comment, an example, an idea, which makes me spend my time thinking about how I am going to jump into a conversation and what I can add. Today I just listened and I got to listen to interesting things in a relaxed way.

There was a lot of discussion on "doubt" and, in the end, we reached a consensus that a little doubt is a good thing, it is there for a reason, it is a kind of survival instinct and it moves us towards change. Too much doubt can be paralyzing, like the fear of making a wrong decision that ends up as no decision at all (my speciality). Recently I felt such relief when I finally decided dates for my trip to the US this Spring (with frequent flyer points) and enrolment in a "Training of Trainers" two-day workshop in Boston (hoping that I get the FAWCO member award I applied for...). Anyway, I decided at least.

But in the end, you have to trust that you can put doubt to good use.

One "classmate" suggested an exercise in which you ask the client to bring out all the doubt they have inside, to let it fly and get it out in an exaggerated way. Then write down why you don't really want the thing you are doubting (i.e. fear of success).

Another exercise is to imagine the worst thing that could happen if your doubts came true. Then find an opportunity in this "failing".

It always comes down to choice. How to look at things, perspective shifts, whether you are going to move on or not, going to let go, take responsibilty and live.

Not changing = not living.

We also discussed whether doubt is innate or learned, and decided that it is a cycle that shifts from doubt to trust to doubt to trust -- growing to be a full adult.

Coaches can help perspective shifting from doubt (can I do it?) to trust.

Pretty intense stuff. Whew.

Homework is scary.
One thing that you are doubtful about in your life (one thing only!).
Imaging for one week that everything you do is perfect (no matter how wrong), as a perspective. See all the bad things that happen as opportunities.

Tough week!
a domani,
E

And what does this have to do with crossing cultures? Concepts of what constitutes trust (between people/institutions/society) vary with cultures, but this is a different type of trust, a trust in oneself. A Canadian, who used to live in France and was calling from her new home in China, mentioned the cultural differences in doubt -- citing the French as natural complainers. Hmmmm. need to think about this one.

Anyone have any ideas?

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Power listening for beginners

Last night I sat in on a very interesting teleclass on Power Listening -- the most important coaching skill of all.

The reason I love to blog is that I get to "talk" without interruptions! We all want to be listened to, with the other person's truly undivided attention, yet we are all very bad at doing just this for others. I would go as far as to say that this skill is decreasing as society advances, we are so busy DOING that we forget to listen. We live in the future, thinking about what we are going to say next once the other person has stopped talking, or thinking about what we should to be doing (while we are "wasting time" listening). We listen to too many sources at once. A sad state of affairs. This does make me think about what we could learn from cultures that hold "being" in higher esteem than "doing" (see this post from my other blog). An image also comes to mind from women from another time sitting around doing needlework -- while listening, really listening to each other.

I had run across the practice of active listening before in Stephen Covey's book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". He gives a few amazing examples of how active listening can serve to encourage a person to explore, dig deeper and finally say what they really feel and think. This takes time, patience and will -- things we are all short on.

My goal for the week will be to consciously, attentively, listen to my son as we sit and share lunch (a wonderful daily Italian phenomenon!)and see what happens. Usually he tells me something about his day at school and I comment on that, or he asks a question (recently lots about the US primaries) and I answer. Let's see what happens if I let pauses ring in the air that provide him air to better reflect and dig one level deeper.

I am also going to watch how people listen to each other. The Italians do like to talk, sometimes all at once (especially on TV talk shows), on the bus (oblivious to those around), during meetings and presentations, during their children's Christmas shows at school, on their cell phones while walking down the street, on their cell phones pretty much anywhere, at any time and in any situation. So who is listening? Does anyone listen? Really listen? Are there any cultural differences here that would effect a coaching relationship?

a domani,
E

Friday, January 11, 2008

Perspective

Yesterday's class was on "perspective", the ole "do you see the glass half empty or half full" question that is the base of coaching methodology -- helping people "re-frame" perspectives that are not empowering into ones that are. In the end, it is your perspective that determines your experiences in life, not your circumstances.

So what is perspective? Various "classmates" offered the following: Where you are coming from, the lens you look through, your framework, your organizing principles and attitude. Our downloaded pdf says, "It is a way of looking at, or interpreting a particular situation."

Yet again, it comes down to choice. We can choose our perspective, we can choose what an event means to us. Let's say that we can even choose to choose and respond instead of react by "re-framing" our perspective to be an empowering one.

"Homework" involves defining a current perspective that disempowers and shift ot an empowering perspective. In other words, re-frame your perspective.

I'll leave my current personal story to my next class, and give you a past one. I just had an email from an American friend who will be having her first baby very soon in an Italian public hospital, which brought me back a few years....

I spent three nights in a hospital room with three other women, and their extended families during visiting hours. One woman had about ten relatives who had to greet her in shifts to fit them all around her bedside.

A nightmare you might think, and so did I, complete with tears of self commiseration -- all those people interfering in such a personal and intimate experience (ahh yes, I now see the American cultural values of vast personal space and privacy* popping up). But when the relatives left and the babies were in the nursery, we chatted, mainly about the whole gruesome ordeal that we had just been through, the messy, hard, painful, scary and non-romantic part of giving birth. Each of us described every detail in cronological order while the others listened and nodded, actually interested and totally empathetic. By the time the three days were over and I left with my little wrapped up sausage under arm, I was ready to move on. No birth traumas and I didn't even feel the need to talk about it with family (trust me, even if he was there, your husband doesn't really want to know) and friends (who have either removed the experience or don't want to know either). So, in the end, the crowded hospital room turned out to offer a wonderful therapeutic opportunity, one that left me with an "empowering" perspective so that I could provide just the kind of support my younger nine-month pregnant friend needed.

How is that for "re-framing" a negative, discouraging experience into an empowering one.

a domani,
E

* there is no Italian word that encompasses the concept of "privacy" as we see it. Wonder why?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

To react or respond?

I attended a teleclass on reacting/responding yesterday. When we react to something that involves us, we have an immediate emotional response that generally comes from somewhere in the past and is powerless. When we respond, we engage in an act of freedom that is rooted in the present and therefore has power.

As always, it comes down to a question of choice. When something involves us we can decide what kind of power to give the person or situation. Are we going to let it have the upper hand and react? Or are we going to use the situation as an opportunity to take conscious and deliberate action and respond?

I had an uncomfortable moment, let's say, a "cultural moment", like I did a couple of years ago when I attended a seminar on "Emotional Intelligence" at a WIN (Women's International Networking) conference. Coaching methodology, like the concepts behind emotional intelligence are clearly based in American cultural values, beliefs and ways of thinking about how the world works and as we use these very universally valid concepts, we need to be sensitive to their cultural base.

Americans (like a number of other, generally English-speaking, cultures) place emotional control very high on the value scale. For example, it is totally unacceptable to express a high degree of emotion (raising voice, waving arms energetically, getting up and walking out, loudly interupting) in a business meeting. It would not only be "unprofessional" but also be very disturbing to others. Emotional control is valued (and involves "response"). Emotional gut level "reaction" is not.

Hmmmm. For over half my life, I have lived in a culture that places emotional control a bit lower on the value scale. People can react quite "inappropriately" in the most amazing ways and in the most unbelievable places (TV programs for one) and maintain credibility. Fons Trompanaars tells a wonderful story in his book, "Riding the Waves of Culture" about cross-cultural misunderstandings in a meeting that involved a lot of emotional display by the Italians in particular.

While working in cultural exchange, directing a sales office for work and study programs abroad (mainly to the US), I often got passed the phone to hear out angry parents while they vented. They were reacting indeed, sometimes quite violently and loudly, even insulting my wonderfully dedicated and serious staff. I learned that with the Italians, reacting/responding was not a dicotomy, but a cycle. I would listen, sometimes saying absolutely nothing (what could I say really), until the venting phase was over. Amazingly (from my American cultural perspective), the parent would finish, sheepishly clear his/her throat and then we would proceed to calmly, logically, rationally work together to find ways to resolve whatever issue was at hand. By giving them permission to engage in an immediate emotional reaction (even if that was rooted somewhere in the past and was powerless), I gained their trust that I could listen (even to things that were not appropriate at all) and this gave us a common ground to be able to move forward.

When one particularly aggressive father (ok, we -- let's say actually our Spanish office -- had "lost" his 15-year old son on a University of Florida campus), in person, finally finished venting, I told him that we would work together to resolve the problem and become best friends in the process. We did. He gave me a ride to the other end of town while we laughed and chatted and I now call him for medical advice.

Go figure -- gotta love cultural differences, and give them our fullest respect.

React or respond? Hmmmm. One or the other, is fine for Americans but maybe we need to accept that the two can also function as a cycle, as is appropriate and acceptable in other cultural value schemes.

a domani,
E

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Starting out

I have enrolled in the International Coach Academy and this blog will serve as a journal for my course of study to become a certified professional coach.

How did I get here? Three very different people speaking independently and from different perspectives told me that I should think about adding coaching to my skills, all within five days time. Destiny was calling.

So, I googled and surfed and read and emailed and left comments and generally gathered information for a few weeks. Then I pondered over panettone and took the plunge.

The tipping point for my decision came from an entry on the ICA blog made by the Chief Learning Office. She had been a management trainer that was frustrated with the results of follow up assessment to her training programs. Something was needed to make the training stick and that something turned out to be post-training coaching to ensure that the newly acquire skills were actually being applied and practiced on a daily basis.

I had an Ah-ha moment. Yes, that's it. And here I am, with a plan to package together cross-cultural consulting, training and coaching for companies and organizations doing business in Italy while also coaching individuals as they define and realize their expat life dreams.

I had my first teleclass today, called "getting started" and completed the exercise on setting our own goals and objectives both for the course and our budding coaching practice.

Here are a few parts.

Specific goals I would like to achieve in my practice by the end of six months.
*Have 10 clients between ICA and external
*Business plan in place
*Marketing materials developed (website, flyer, business cards,social networking site profiles) and media plan (particularly where to place articles, and get myself interviewed)
Aim to complete course at the end of the year.

Three-month milestone.
*Complete Foundation course, part of Advanced 1 and part of Business building courses.
*Business plan in place and web site up and running
*Coach two ICA and one external coach

Three biggest fears
*Hesitation winning out over action, especially in lead follow-up
*Not getting the focus right so that I approach the right market with the right message
*Getting stressed by too many conflicting activities and not being able to prioritize properly to get the important (quadrant II) things done.

Top three objectives in building a successful practice
* Help people who are living, working and studying abroad define what they want to gain from the experience and achieve it.
*Using my skills, experience and passion in a focused and productive way.
*Developing a flexible and stimulating profession to carry me into my next phase of life (soon to turn 50).

My doubt loop and how I will break the cycle.
Hesitation that comes not only from lack of confidence in my coaching expertise but also a need to have it all thought through and all the pieces in place in my head. I need to just dive in, do it, and adjust along the way.

How do I coach.
*Each client receives a welcome pack (via email attachments most likely)
*One hour session by phone, instant messaging or face to face (in central Rome only). Alternative of weekly email correspondence
*Fee paid monthly at the beginning of the month
*Follow ICF ethical standards.

My 10 second elevator speech.
I help people make their expat dreams come true.

a domani,
E