Last night I sat in on a very interesting teleclass on Power Listening -- the most important coaching skill of all.
The reason I love to blog is that I get to "talk" without interruptions! We all want to be listened to, with the other person's truly undivided attention, yet we are all very bad at doing just this for others. I would go as far as to say that this skill is decreasing as society advances, we are so busy DOING that we forget to listen. We live in the future, thinking about what we are going to say next once the other person has stopped talking, or thinking about what we should to be doing (while we are "wasting time" listening). We listen to too many sources at once. A sad state of affairs. This does make me think about what we could learn from cultures that hold "being" in higher esteem than "doing" (see this post from my other blog). An image also comes to mind from women from another time sitting around doing needlework -- while listening, really listening to each other.
I had run across the practice of active listening before in Stephen Covey's book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". He gives a few amazing examples of how active listening can serve to encourage a person to explore, dig deeper and finally say what they really feel and think. This takes time, patience and will -- things we are all short on.
My goal for the week will be to consciously, attentively, listen to my son as we sit and share lunch (a wonderful daily Italian phenomenon!)and see what happens. Usually he tells me something about his day at school and I comment on that, or he asks a question (recently lots about the US primaries) and I answer. Let's see what happens if I let pauses ring in the air that provide him air to better reflect and dig one level deeper.
I am also going to watch how people listen to each other. The Italians do like to talk, sometimes all at once (especially on TV talk shows), on the bus (oblivious to those around), during meetings and presentations, during their children's Christmas shows at school, on their cell phones while walking down the street, on their cell phones pretty much anywhere, at any time and in any situation. So who is listening? Does anyone listen? Really listen? Are there any cultural differences here that would effect a coaching relationship?
a domani,
E
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3 comments:
You seem to be someone who listens very effectively already. I find that your posts reveal you to be very perceptive of nuances, which would make you a good listener.
Someone (can't remember who, guess I'm not such a good listener!) once told me that we should always try to talk 20 percent of the time and listen 80 percent of the time. That it never actually works out that way, but by trying, you might make it 50/50.
Thanks Jennifer! I am much better now in writing than in person where I really do have to work on listening 80% of the time -- a very hard task indeed. This course has been very interesting so far. I will let you know when I am ready for my first clients...
Hey Elizabeth,
thanks for the comment. I'm delighted to have found your blog - hopefully it will speed up my long reflective periods where I'm sitting on a subject and can't bring it out yet.
I think good listening starts with sincere and profound interest in the speaker's views, without which there is no point in trying. Then, listening in silence or listening with comments are just cultural differences, aren't they?
What I find difficult myself is avoiding to fill in the conceptual gaps with my own understanding. While listening, there are always things my interlocutor takes for granted that I should complete in my head. How can I be sure I do it right?
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